The BIG D word...

     Here lately I have not been feeling too good. I don't know if it really me coming down sick or if it is where the BIG D word is hitting me. Depression is the worst thing you can ever have and you fight one of the biggest demons ever. I have a lot going on I am fixing to turn the BIG 39 almost to 40. I am training in a new skill at my job and I don't know what in the world is going on half the time. I still have yet to see my son or grandson in MONTHS. It has really gotten to me. I feel like a part of my heart is missing. I can't really talk to anyone about it cause I don't want them to know what is going on in this mind of mine. I have stress on me like no other and I feel like a sinking ship and no one is coming to save me. Why is it that I have to let things get me like this? Why can't i just have a hard heart and nothing bother me? The only good thing that I have to look forward to is that I get to finally meet my daughter that I adopted out. I just want to be happy. I just want to put a smile on my face and really mean that I am okay. I have been telling everyone that I have not been feeling good and that being the reason why I haven't really talked or really done anything. I feel like the only thing I want to do is SLEEP. I don't want to lay around all the time but that feel like that is all my body wants to do anymore. I wished I could wake up in the morning and feel refreshed but I don't I feel like a busted can of biscuits. You know what I mean? That moment your alarm goes off and you start moving and your body is like NO go back to sleep and you can't stretch or move like that. I am upstairs in my office cause I don't want no one see me cry. I just want to be alone with my thoughts. I want to be away from everyone and no one bother me. We have a house full of people and my husband just got off of work and I don't even want to be around him. I feel like I am such a burden on everyone. 

    Today at bedtime I am going to drop the sadness and drop the depression when I go to bed. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling better. I want to wake up and never have to feel the way I do right now. I want to feel better about myself, my life, my family, and so much more. I want to have a better outlook on the future and not feel so overwhelmed.