So Much On My Mind...

     Man, I have so much to tell you that has went on. I have so much that I wished I could stop feeling. I am having such a hard time still with not really speaking to my son and not have my grandbaby in my life. I did speak to him and I apologized to both of them but I guess that was still not good enough and you know what I am having a hard enough time that is fine I just won't deal with it anymore and I have thought about it and I am trying my best not to feel but that is too hard. I want to cry I am missing so much of his first and I have a feeling I am going to miss his first birthday too. Everyone keeps telling me that I have done everything and I know deep down I have but there still feels like I can do or say something. I don't know why. I don't know why I can't just leave it alone. which I should. Can I turn it off? I mean the feelings, can I just say it is okay? Can I just walk away? I know here lately I have been standing more up for myself. I have been trying to deal with a lot more. I have not been trying to take my meds as much cause I want to get back to myself. I want to get back to me. There are times that I want to be back to fully me but then there are other times I feel very weak. I mean weak to where I don't want to get out of bed. I want to have more of self control but I can't. I want to be more me but I can't this year this whole year has broke me. When I say broke me I mean completely broke every part of me. I have done everything I know to do and I just want to feel like me. I am ready to do me again. OH well hopefully everything gets better. 

Been awhile...

    Sorry I haven't been on here in awhile. There is so much going on in my life. Some bad and some good. So let me get to the good and that is my work life. I have done prayer walk and the Christian ERG Bible study by myself. I really have enjoyed it. It was wonderful and I have met so many wonderful people. I am actually enjoying my new part in my job as well. I didn't think I would but to be honest I love the research and the other parts of the new job have been exciting. A lot of the stuff that I have learned have made me really stronger in other areas. I hope this continues.

    Okay, off to the bad. So I have texted and spoke with my oldest son. Let me recap my oldest son and I haven't spoke at all since February. The reason is because I have felt that his girlfriend did not want me to hold or do anything with my grandchild. When I wanted to have a meeting and conversation with both of them to figure out what was going on things went South. We did text but I will be honest I feel like things didn't change. I messaged his girlfriend and again no message back. No, anything! Even though he was the one that told me to text message her. I just don't understand how a mother of a child would want to keep her child from the grandmother. I always was so supportive of the kids grandparents. Now don't get me wrong there was times I was so angry at my parents or my ex husband or husband's parents but I NEVER kept them from them. The reason is cause my mom NEVER did that to me. 

    Other things that are going on is that my middle and younger child is doing great.  My momma and her boyfriend moved out. I am so excited for them to start their life together. I hope they continue to do good. Well I am headed off of here. I am going to make sure that I come back very soon.