Man, I have so much to tell you that has went on. I have so much that I wished I could stop feeling. I am having such a hard time still with not really speaking to my son and not have my grandbaby in my life. I did speak to him and I apologized to both of them but I guess that was still not good enough and you know what I am having a hard enough time that is fine I just won't deal with it anymore and I have thought about it and I am trying my best not to feel but that is too hard. I want to cry I am missing so much of his first and I have a feeling I am going to miss his first birthday too. Everyone keeps telling me that I have done everything and I know deep down I have but there still feels like I can do or say something. I don't know why. I don't know why I can't just leave it alone. which I should. Can I turn it off? I mean the feelings, can I just say it is okay? Can I just walk away? I know here lately I have been standing more up for myself. I have been trying to deal with a lot more. I have not been trying to take my meds as much cause I want to get back to myself. I want to get back to me. There are times that I want to be back to fully me but then there are other times I feel very weak. I mean weak to where I don't want to get out of bed. I want to have more of self control but I can't. I want to be more me but I can't this year this whole year has broke me. When I say broke me I mean completely broke every part of me. I have done everything I know to do and I just want to feel like me. I am ready to do me again. OH well hopefully everything gets better.
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