Past Suicide.....

    My past has been a bad one but at the same time it made me who I am today. I can remember back when I was YOUNG when I was getting physically, verbally, and sexually abuse.  For a long time, I did not know that things did not happen like that in everyone's home. I thought there is no way that it is just me that this is happening too. I remember so vivid the day I told the social worker what was going on in my home. I remember feeling like it was my fault the reason I was being abused. That heartache of the social worker telling me that I would have to go in stay in a group home was the worst thing in my life at that time. I thought why am I being taken away from everything I know. What was wrong with me? That day is forever fried into my memory. I remember going to my house and packing stuff up with my aunt. I thought in my mind that I would be able to stay with family but no that didn't happen to me. I was thrown immediately into a group home. It was with the worst of the worst of the kids I was with. I wanted to run away so bad. I wanted to just die. No one knew how close I was at that moment in my life to just end everything. I had everything ready for me to do it to. I was going to go to the bathroom shower the group home I was in had one shower with a HEAVY door for the girls and one for the boys. We had a certain time that we had to take a shower. I had went to the office and got a razor to shave my legs (at that time I didn't even have to think about shaving) I took out the razor out of the the shaver. It was my time to take a shower. At that moment I was ready. I put the razor up to my arm and I didn't care where I cut I just wanted to cut deep. What is so crazy I just put it down. I put it down for some known reason. I got in the shower and just cried. I cried till I think I ran out all the hot water out cause it got really cold. I got out and got dressed and never told anyone. I just left it be.

    In 1993 we had the biggest blizzard I had ever seen in my life. I had to stay in the group home for several weeks before I was transferred to the Blount County Children's Home. This is another place I hated. I hated it because I felt like I was in a prison. I couldn't be who I wanted to be. I couldn't do the things that I wanted to do. About 2 years of me being there and 1 court case coming up on my 2 court case I tried suicide again. This time I tried hurting myself.. I wasn't successful. I really can't remember much from that night. I just remember waking up in a padded room and I was in a straight jacket. I did everything I could to get out of that jacket. I remember being so so scared. I remember just wanting out of that room.Eventually I was taken out of there once I calmed down I think that took several hours. I don't know what time I got in there. I got placed in a room with 3 other girls. I remember thinking what in the world am I doing in here. Now, I thought that the children's home was a prison. No, this place was a prison. I remember if I had to go to the bathroom I had to put my arm out at the door and let staff know that I needed to use the restroom and a staff woman would come in there and watch me use the restroom and wash my hands and I had to sit at the desk everyday from morning till night unless we were doing some sort of therapy. I hated it and I remember going through the process just to get out of there. I was in there about 2 months maybe even longer than that. 

    Now fast forward to the present because up until a couple of months ago I had never really sat down and thought of away to kill myself. I wanted to live. I was so happy. I loved life. Then hell on earth happened. When I got my grandbaby taken away a lot of things came to my mind. I just wanted that pain, heartache, and madness to just go away. Yes, he had only been alive for a little while but I am telling you the moment I held him in my arms I was so in love. I was and am so proud of Robert. Then when everything happened I didn't want to be here on this Earth anymore. 

    The reason for this post is because I want you to know you are not alone. You are not alone with the feelings that you are having. You are not alone for just wanting to be alone. I have been there. I know that feeling more than anyone. 

    I look at my times that I almost did it or was thinking suicide. If I would have committed suicide the times that I did when I was in the state's care I would have never had Robert, Carrie (another story for another day), Hunter, or Michael. I would never known what true love really was or what falling in love a first sight was either. I would have never known the love of grandchild. I would never finished school or college. 

I AM GLAD I AM STILL HERE!!