Happy but Nervous

    I spoke to the daughter I adopted out I am FINALLY going to meet her. I am finally going to get to hug her. I am finally going to speak to her in person. I am so so nervous. I am nervous that I will not be what she expects. I am nervous that she won't like me. I am nervous that she will think that I am a bad person. I have dreamed of the day I would meet her. I have thought about it since the moment that I signed the paperwork stating that I would allow her to be adopted. I really hate that I am not apart of her life more but now I have the chance. I have the chance at a relationship with her.  I hope that it is everything I dreamed of. I hope that everything will go good. 

    It will be right after my birthday so that is something I am really looking forward to. Usually, I don't care for my birthday. It just brings up a lot of bad memories for me. I try to just let it go by. I try to celebrate it with my brother cause his birthday is close to mine but since now he has his own family we don't get to do that much.

    You know that moment when you are so so happy about something but then you start thinking. That thinking starts making you doubt yourself. Your mind makes you think a lot of other things. That is where I am at now. I am so happy but I am doubting myself. I hope when I do meet her in person I can answer any questions that she has. I hope that she can forgive me for giving her away. I hate myself for doing that. I think what it would have been like if I would have kept her. I hated myself so much for so long because I should have found away to keep her. I feel like I just gave up. 

    Then I look and think I am glad she will never have to go through the pain and abuse that I have. She will never have to go through trying to understand why it happened to me. I know I would have tried to protect her but I knew that her adopted parents still protected her more than I could have. The adopted mom knew everything that happened to me. She knew about the rape, the abuse, the group homes, and the foster home I was in. She knew what I experienced. She promised me she would protect her. She promised that nothing like that would ever happen to her. I knew she wouldn't either. 

    I raised my boys the best I could. I tried to be a great mom. I tried everything I could to get them what they needed and even sometimes what they wanted. I was a single mom for several years before I met my husband now. We had our moments but we never were apart. We never went to bed hungry. When I was younger I did have a temper, I will admit that I had my moment where I got mad at them. They weren't the easiest to raise. They cause me so much pain and heartache at times and still do. They don't know how many times I cried myself to sleep. 

    Well I can't wait to meet her and I hope it is everything I dreamed of.