When Robert was around 1 and half I found out I was pregnant again. I remember that moment when the doctor told me that I was pregnant. I was so scared to tell my anyone. I kept it a secret for the first couple of months of my pregnancy. I just wanted it to go away. I felt that if I ignored it long enough the baby would go away. The moment I finally told my mom I remember her being so disappointed in me. She kept saying, :What are you going to do now?" I knew deep down there was no way I could take care of a second child. I met my first husband a little while after I sat my family down and told them. I had just started dating my first husband. I remember my mom forcing me to tell him. At this moment I didn't even know if we were going to even stay together or anything. She was like you need to go ahead and tell him. He had already fell in love with Robert. He never turned away from him. I finally sat him down and told him. He didn't run but he even knew we both couldn't do it. I was so worried about what I was going to do. One day, about a month into dating my ex husband my mom and I got into a big argument. She kicked me out with Robert. I called my ex husband up and he called his parents and they allowed me to move in. I fell in love with his parents immediately. They were both very supportive and love Robert so much. I explained to his mom that there was no way I could take care of another child at this point in my life. I had so much going on. I didn't have my high school diploma (which was something that I wanted). I wanted to go to college and I wanted to have a career. She explained to me that her sister wanted a child but could never have one, and wanted to know if I had thought about adoption. At that part of my pregnancy I hadn't thought of it. The only thing I thought about was keeping the child and how I was going to do it. She told me to think about it and I did. I prayed, talked it over with friends, prayed more, and I felt that would be my best option. I had her on Dec 4, I did not know much about her. I didn't even know that it was a little girl till later on that evening. There was this one nurse said to me, "your going to regret not holding your baby." I was so scared to hold my baby. I knew that I would fall in love. I knew I would back out. I knew that I could not give her the life that she should have. I will be honest up until she was a little older I didn't regret it. I wished I could have been more in her life. I wished that I was just a friend in her life.
Now she is over the age of 18 and I have made contact with her. I am very nervous about our relationship cause I don't want to do anything to upset her. I don't want her to think of me as a bad person. I have asked to meet her on my birthday this year. This scares me but I really hope it happens cause I just want to hug her. I just want her to know I am here. I will never push her to have a relationship with me but I will always be in the background cheering her on. She is getting married soon. This makes me so happy. She looks so in love with her fiancee' and so happy. He seems like a very good person.
Well, that is my personal stuff for the day. I just needed to get this off my mind for the night before I tried to go to sleep. I think I am going to sit here and listen to music. Good night all!!
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