So a very quick update...well maybe a very long update

 Gosh, it has been so long since I took a minute and sat down just to write what was going on with my life. Let's see where to start. Hummm...okay well my husband since November has been really sick. He had surgery on a hernia to repair it the first of November everything was going good up until like 2 weeks late it all came crashing down. He started having waste come out of areas that there should not be waste coming out of. It was so hard to see him go through that and there was nothing that I could do about it. I tried talking to his doctor and everything and all he kept saying was that it would get better and heal and it NEVER did. He ended up getting referred to a doctor in Atlanta, Georgia. He went down there for his first appointment in January of 2021, and ended up going into the hospital because of an infection that he had. He was so bad he stayed there for a week getting IV antibiotics. He came home and he went back down there once a month up until last month when he had surgery to repair everything and move his colostomy on the other side of his body and repair all the damage that was done from the last hernia repair surgery. He is doing better and healing slowly but that is what I want to see. 

In April of 2021, I went ahead a decided to do something for me. Something that I needed to do to make me healthier. I ended up getting the gastric sleeve surgery done. I needed to do something to help me with losing weight. The year of 2020 I gained so much weight and I hated the way I felt every day. I hate the way I looked in the mirror. Now, 3 months later I feel so much better and off most of my medication. I feel like I can do anything. I resigned from my job with Accenture I started my own bakery business inside "Good Vibes on the River Cafe" which is right down the street from me. I also do serving and cooking as well there. I enjoy every minute of being there. Yes, it is stressful at moments but to be honest I love it. I feel like I am finally doing something that I have always loved to do bake and cook. 

Things have still not changed between Robert and I. I can honestly say though I have tried over and over. I am sick and tired of getting hurt and him only thinking of himself. Oh well, one day he will regret everything if not that would be on him not me. I hate that I am missing out on so much of my grandbaby but like I said I have tried and I can't keep getting hurt. 

Hunter is doing amazing. I am so proud of him. 

Well there is my update...I hope all is well.   

Thinking....NEVER ENDING

 These past couple of months have been so crazy and sure full of so much BLAH!! In October I got to go see my sissy in IL for her birthday. I loved every minute being with her. I got VERY drunk the night of her birthday party at the bar she works at. Like really bad drunk. I didn't know where I was at ended up passing out the bathroom..LMAO it was so much fun but the hangover was the worst and we were driving back that next day. We didn't leave when we should have which made us getting back really late and work for all of us Monday morning. That was my first time being back up in IL since my daddy had passed. It was kind of hard but being with my sister made it better. I got to spend so much with my nephew and it was awesome. His attitude reminded me so much of my sister at that age. 

So Much On My Mind...

     Man, I have so much to tell you that has went on. I have so much that I wished I could stop feeling. I am having such a hard time still with not really speaking to my son and not have my grandbaby in my life. I did speak to him and I apologized to both of them but I guess that was still not good enough and you know what I am having a hard enough time that is fine I just won't deal with it anymore and I have thought about it and I am trying my best not to feel but that is too hard. I want to cry I am missing so much of his first and I have a feeling I am going to miss his first birthday too. Everyone keeps telling me that I have done everything and I know deep down I have but there still feels like I can do or say something. I don't know why. I don't know why I can't just leave it alone. which I should. Can I turn it off? I mean the feelings, can I just say it is okay? Can I just walk away? I know here lately I have been standing more up for myself. I have been trying to deal with a lot more. I have not been trying to take my meds as much cause I want to get back to myself. I want to get back to me. There are times that I want to be back to fully me but then there are other times I feel very weak. I mean weak to where I don't want to get out of bed. I want to have more of self control but I can't. I want to be more me but I can't this year this whole year has broke me. When I say broke me I mean completely broke every part of me. I have done everything I know to do and I just want to feel like me. I am ready to do me again. OH well hopefully everything gets better. 

Been awhile...

    Sorry I haven't been on here in awhile. There is so much going on in my life. Some bad and some good. So let me get to the good and that is my work life. I have done prayer walk and the Christian ERG Bible study by myself. I really have enjoyed it. It was wonderful and I have met so many wonderful people. I am actually enjoying my new part in my job as well. I didn't think I would but to be honest I love the research and the other parts of the new job have been exciting. A lot of the stuff that I have learned have made me really stronger in other areas. I hope this continues.

    Okay, off to the bad. So I have texted and spoke with my oldest son. Let me recap my oldest son and I haven't spoke at all since February. The reason is because I have felt that his girlfriend did not want me to hold or do anything with my grandchild. When I wanted to have a meeting and conversation with both of them to figure out what was going on things went South. We did text but I will be honest I feel like things didn't change. I messaged his girlfriend and again no message back. No, anything! Even though he was the one that told me to text message her. I just don't understand how a mother of a child would want to keep her child from the grandmother. I always was so supportive of the kids grandparents. Now don't get me wrong there was times I was so angry at my parents or my ex husband or husband's parents but I NEVER kept them from them. The reason is cause my mom NEVER did that to me. 

    Other things that are going on is that my middle and younger child is doing great.  My momma and her boyfriend moved out. I am so excited for them to start their life together. I hope they continue to do good. Well I am headed off of here. I am going to make sure that I come back very soon. 

Have you ever just felt off...

     I was pretty sick last week. That is why I didn't write which by the way I totally missed. I missed not writing everything down....well I am back. 

    Have you ever just felt off like something was wrong but you couldn't just quite put your finger on it. I am feeling that way. I am starting to have a really hard time again. I really feel like a part of me is missing. I have tried to push it out of my head. I have tried to ignore it. I did that before and it didn't work. Why do I keep doing it to myself? It is like I want to hurt myself over and over not physically but defiantly mentally. I just thought I was doing better but I am really second guessing that.

    I seen a picture yesterday that took me back. It felt like I was kicked in the gut. It was like my heart was breaking all over. Why is it with relationships you feel you can't do anything right? I wished there was a way I could go back and take stuff back. I wished there was away I could make things better. 

I think the reason I am off is because a part of me is missing?  

OJT, Training, and a little bit of everything....

     I have been training in my new job position for about a month and half or maybe even longer than that. At first we could not get into our systems so that was very boring cause we just sat there. I was so scared that I would do something wrong or I would not understand what I was suppose to be doing. Well my first day or OJT was yesterday we were in teams so it was a little easier and we could just figure out the areas that the other one was weak in. We got our audits back from them around noon and we had no errors. It made me feel a little bit better. Then later on in the day we were separated and we got new types. Now I am totally confused on what I am doing again. I just thought I was doing good. 😕😕 I want to run away. Hopefully tomorrow will go better than today. Hopefully I can understand what I need to do after having a good nights sleep which by the way. Good night all....have a blessed evening. 

Birth Mother Meets Daughter...

     Today was the day, today was the day I got officially hug my daughter that I have dreamed, prayed, and loved over her entire life. She is absolutely beautiful on the inside and out. Can I say I honestly didn't want the day, hour, minute to end. I had so many questions but at the same time I didn't want to overwhelm her. I didn't want her to go running..lol. Her fiancee' is so good for and to her. This made me so happy that she found that one. That love that is hard to find. They both looked so in love. Made me want to tear up just to see her like that. I finally got to give her the gift I had since she turned 16. I got her a mother/daughter figurine made from a willow tree. She seemed like she liked it which me so happy. I had other things for her that I had bought over the years for different birthday's or holiday's and when we moved that last time I lost a bunch of it because it got wet and ruined. I was so upset but at least that was one thing that was still good. I had to take it out of the box but at least I still had it. 

    While we sat there at lunch I still couldn't believe she was in front of me. I didn't want to take my eyes off of her. She really made my whole year sitting right in front of me. I really wanted to pinch myself and make sure that I wasn't dreaming at all. We have so much in common which I knew some of them but just hearing it for myself really made me happy. 

    I am writing this to my daughter, I love you so much. I have never been so happy than I was today. I felt like a part of my heart that was missing was put back in place. I really do hope we are more apart of each other's life. I hope that all your dreams happen. I will be in the corner cheering you on and when you need me I will be there.