This week has been really hard. I am having such a hard time with a lot of things that I didn't think that would bother me but they do. I am trying to keep my emotions in check that way I don't cry cause at this point I am afraid to let the tears fall I wouldn't stop. Yesterday, I looked at a picture of my grandbaby and I miss him so much. Why does life and relationships got to be so fucking hard? Why can't we all just get along? I just need my family around me I guess. I don't know what I need at this point. To be honest I have so much going on in my mind I think that is the reason I am having such a hard time sleeping. I don't know.
I read something this morning that has got me thinking not in a bad way toward God or anything like that but I do have some problems with church. I will go and get involved in church and enjoy going until something in my triggers a moment in my life and I don't want to go back. I don't want that pain anymore. When I was in the abusive home that I was in growing up my step-father (Steve is what I am calling him) he would do really good when we were in church not touch me sexually but he would abuse me physically at the slightest little things I did. Like not putting up a dish my mom told me to do or spilling coke on the couch (oh, I remember that one well he threw the cup at me and it shattered every where and I got cut from it still have the scar). It was really bad when we were in church. The moment he got out of church the sexual abuse would start back up. I think that is the reason I have such a problem with church. NOT GOD, but CHURCH. I am not mad at GOD but I am mad at the people in the church in some sort of way.
When I was in foster care, I was stuck with a family that was not in my believing not the way I grew up. They were Seventh Day Adventist and if you know anything about that religion they are vegan. They religion believes a lot of the Old Testament of the Bible and they you shouldn't eat meat at all. This was very hard for me because I was a meat lover. I grew up all my life eating meat. I felt like I was starved because I wouldn't eat a lot of the stuff that the foster mom would cook. It was NASTY. It even smelt bad when she cooked it. I am so confused about what God wants from me. I am confused a lot about how things are and what we should do as Christians. The religions is where I have my problems, the people in the churches is where I have my problem, and the pastors of the churches is where I have my problem. I want to know what they would do if they knew something was going on with a child of the church. Would they protect them or would they turn their heads?
The church that I really grew up in was a Apostolic church. I truly believe without a shadow of doubt the congregation knew what was going on with me. If they didn't know about the sexual abuse they had to know about the physical abuse cause I had bruises on my body. Sometimes I couldn't even sit cause it hurt so bad. The school system didn't even get involved until my aunt got involved. I just don't know where all these people went wrong for me. Why didn't they fight for me? I don't know what I want to do but one thing I don't want to do is get forced to get up and go to church.
I feel you about church and the people of churches. I have met people that I wouldn’t want to see ever again. The church I attended as a youngster the folks knew about the abuse too but said nothing, they turned their heads. Because of this I strayed from church. Really sis though, the church isn’t god and you don’t have to go to church to be a good Christian. God created the world so he can go anywhere in this world that he wants. I refuse to go to church for many of the same reasons. Love you sis!
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