Past Suicide.....

    My past has been a bad one but at the same time it made me who I am today. I can remember back when I was YOUNG when I was getting physically, verbally, and sexually abuse.  For a long time, I did not know that things did not happen like that in everyone's home. I thought there is no way that it is just me that this is happening too. I remember so vivid the day I told the social worker what was going on in my home. I remember feeling like it was my fault the reason I was being abused. That heartache of the social worker telling me that I would have to go in stay in a group home was the worst thing in my life at that time. I thought why am I being taken away from everything I know. What was wrong with me? That day is forever fried into my memory. I remember going to my house and packing stuff up with my aunt. I thought in my mind that I would be able to stay with family but no that didn't happen to me. I was thrown immediately into a group home. It was with the worst of the worst of the kids I was with. I wanted to run away so bad. I wanted to just die. No one knew how close I was at that moment in my life to just end everything. I had everything ready for me to do it to. I was going to go to the bathroom shower the group home I was in had one shower with a HEAVY door for the girls and one for the boys. We had a certain time that we had to take a shower. I had went to the office and got a razor to shave my legs (at that time I didn't even have to think about shaving) I took out the razor out of the the shaver. It was my time to take a shower. At that moment I was ready. I put the razor up to my arm and I didn't care where I cut I just wanted to cut deep. What is so crazy I just put it down. I put it down for some known reason. I got in the shower and just cried. I cried till I think I ran out all the hot water out cause it got really cold. I got out and got dressed and never told anyone. I just left it be.

    In 1993 we had the biggest blizzard I had ever seen in my life. I had to stay in the group home for several weeks before I was transferred to the Blount County Children's Home. This is another place I hated. I hated it because I felt like I was in a prison. I couldn't be who I wanted to be. I couldn't do the things that I wanted to do. About 2 years of me being there and 1 court case coming up on my 2 court case I tried suicide again. This time I tried hurting myself.. I wasn't successful. I really can't remember much from that night. I just remember waking up in a padded room and I was in a straight jacket. I did everything I could to get out of that jacket. I remember being so so scared. I remember just wanting out of that room.Eventually I was taken out of there once I calmed down I think that took several hours. I don't know what time I got in there. I got placed in a room with 3 other girls. I remember thinking what in the world am I doing in here. Now, I thought that the children's home was a prison. No, this place was a prison. I remember if I had to go to the bathroom I had to put my arm out at the door and let staff know that I needed to use the restroom and a staff woman would come in there and watch me use the restroom and wash my hands and I had to sit at the desk everyday from morning till night unless we were doing some sort of therapy. I hated it and I remember going through the process just to get out of there. I was in there about 2 months maybe even longer than that. 

    Now fast forward to the present because up until a couple of months ago I had never really sat down and thought of away to kill myself. I wanted to live. I was so happy. I loved life. Then hell on earth happened. When I got my grandbaby taken away a lot of things came to my mind. I just wanted that pain, heartache, and madness to just go away. Yes, he had only been alive for a little while but I am telling you the moment I held him in my arms I was so in love. I was and am so proud of Robert. Then when everything happened I didn't want to be here on this Earth anymore. 

    The reason for this post is because I want you to know you are not alone. You are not alone with the feelings that you are having. You are not alone for just wanting to be alone. I have been there. I know that feeling more than anyone. 

    I look at my times that I almost did it or was thinking suicide. If I would have committed suicide the times that I did when I was in the state's care I would have never had Robert, Carrie (another story for another day), Hunter, or Michael. I would never known what true love really was or what falling in love a first sight was either. I would have never known the love of grandchild. I would never finished school or college. 

I AM GLAD I AM STILL HERE!! 

Humm....Yep

    I am starting this off with Hummm....Yea Hummm...I am having just that type of day.  I had a vivid really dream the other night about my dad. I have not had a dream like that for years. I heard his voice and I felt his touch it was so real. I was talking to him just like he knew everything that was going on. I really needed that but at the same time it has made me really miss him even more. Robert was talking to him right before I came up. I hope whatever he was telling him Robert got it. I didn't get to hear it but Robert disappeared the moment I came up.I longed to talk to him. It made me also miss Robert more. Dad just was joking around having a good time. I miss that smile. I miss the hugs. Most of all I miss the talks we use to have. The moment I woke up it was like I wanted cry. He wasn't there. I wasn't where I was at in my dream. Ever since the moment I woke up I REALLY miss my dad and Robert. 

    One of these days I really hope that Robert and I can get that relationship back together. Where we use to be. We could tell each other everything and anything. We never kept secrets. I had Robert when I was 17 years old. We grew up together and now we are so separated. It really hurts my heart. I just don't understand what happened. What made us grow apart like we are now. 

    I am the type of person that does not like to argue. I don't like confrontation. I don't like yelling. That was due to my past. I will avoid it at all cost if I have to. Now that I am getting older I have noticed it has been different. I am starting to get a backbone. I still don't like fighting, arguing, and yelling. That gives me PTSD but I am trying to stand up more for myself. I hope eventually it won't bother me as bad. 

    Well off for the evening....

Have you Ever....

    Have you ever just have a day, a day to where you wished that it didn't start or end the way that it did. That has been my day. My day has been one thing after another of stuff going on. I wished that I could do more for people. I wished I could do more for my family. I wished I could take my pain away. I wished I could take my families pain away. Is there ever a moment in your life to where you wished you were better off? That is where I am in my life. I wished that I owned my own house. I wished I had my own land. I am just having a day. I know I am allowed to have a mental day as long as I don't make it longer than a day because that day turns in to days and those days turns into months. I can't do that. I have my husband and my boys to think about (Even though one isn't speaking to me). I don't even want to have a day at this point. There is a breaking point there is a mental breaking point to where things just can't keep happening in a bad way. I have to think positive right. There is that light at the end of the tunnel eventually right? Today is the day to where I say FUCK IT. This is the day where I just want to hide and make the pain go away. This is the day to where I say, where are you?  Today is the day! I don't look back. 

    

    Tomorrow will be a better day. More laughter, more smiles, more hugs, just more. Tomorrow is the day I will make those goals. Tomorrow is the day I wake up and just be better. I know today was a bad day but I won't let it take over. I will have that fun time. I will have that moment in life tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is my future. Tomorrow is.....

    There are moments in life to where I wished I could go back to. Those moments are stuff and things that I did I regret. I try my best to be a good person, good friend, good mother, good daughter, good sister, good aunt, and a good christian. I know some people might judge me differently and to be totally honest I don't care. I don't care what you or the next person thinks. I am me. 

Some stuff going on,

    Hello all, it has been a really long time since I had a blog but there is so much going on in my life. I figured it might be good for me to have a blog again. Right now I have my momma and her boyfriend living with me. They moved down from Illinois. I love it that she is here. I love the fact that I have her here to hug. Her and my dad were together for a really long time and he passed away several years ago. I miss him terribly. I really took that relationship for granted. I felt like he was always going to be there and he isn't now. Word to the wise: DO NOT TAKE FAMILY FOR GRANTED. One day they won't be here to help you along the way. 

    Two of my oldest boys have moved out. I am so very proud of my middle child Hunter. He is still doing school and working at Dollywood. He loves the job. I know that it is hard on him. He is trying his best to do it all and complete high school. My oldest has been with his high school sweetheart and moved in together.

     I became a Gigi in January of 2020. I never knew that type of love. Waiting for him to be born, waiting to hold him, waiting to love on him, and just waiting to make those memories. I would go over almost every day after work to see him. I didn't feel too welcome though. Luke's mom made me feel like I was not a good enough grandma or anything for that fact. Anytime I was around I she always found and excuse for her to take him from me. I cried many tears when I would leave cause I felt like she didn't want me there or even in the picture. I raised Robert into a great man, why would she think I would hurt Luke? I finally got over it and asked for a sit down with them both with my husband. They didn't want to talk they didn't want to do anything and when I tried to explain it made me feel like I was just imagining things. That hurt. That hurt to the core. I have never felt the pain that I did that day. I never felt my heart literally break. I have cried so many tears since that day. I wished I could see and hold him and let him know that he is loved by me in and his grandpappy. One day I pray that I will get that time with him.

    I homeschool my middle and youngest child. I wished I had done that for all of my children. I have more time with them. I feel like I have more control over what they learn and help them more about stuff they don't understand. I have that one-on-one time. This year my middle one is a Junior and the youngest he is an 8th grade. My youngest is having a really hard time with not having friends. I try to understand that but I am a home body and I hardly get to see my friends. 

    With the COVID pandemic it has really hit us hard in my family. I work from home now. Which my youngest son really enjoys. My husband is an essential employee so he has never stopped working except when he got sick and was in the hospital. Not COVID related but he was in there for about a week.

    I will update more later. 

    

An Interview with Donelle

This is an interview I did about my past being in foster care, group homes, and just my what happened when I was a child.