OJT, Training, and a little bit of everything....

     I have been training in my new job position for about a month and half or maybe even longer than that. At first we could not get into our systems so that was very boring cause we just sat there. I was so scared that I would do something wrong or I would not understand what I was suppose to be doing. Well my first day or OJT was yesterday we were in teams so it was a little easier and we could just figure out the areas that the other one was weak in. We got our audits back from them around noon and we had no errors. It made me feel a little bit better. Then later on in the day we were separated and we got new types. Now I am totally confused on what I am doing again. I just thought I was doing good. 😕😕 I want to run away. Hopefully tomorrow will go better than today. Hopefully I can understand what I need to do after having a good nights sleep which by the way. Good night all....have a blessed evening. 

Birth Mother Meets Daughter...

     Today was the day, today was the day I got officially hug my daughter that I have dreamed, prayed, and loved over her entire life. She is absolutely beautiful on the inside and out. Can I say I honestly didn't want the day, hour, minute to end. I had so many questions but at the same time I didn't want to overwhelm her. I didn't want her to go running..lol. Her fiancee' is so good for and to her. This made me so happy that she found that one. That love that is hard to find. They both looked so in love. Made me want to tear up just to see her like that. I finally got to give her the gift I had since she turned 16. I got her a mother/daughter figurine made from a willow tree. She seemed like she liked it which me so happy. I had other things for her that I had bought over the years for different birthday's or holiday's and when we moved that last time I lost a bunch of it because it got wet and ruined. I was so upset but at least that was one thing that was still good. I had to take it out of the box but at least I still had it. 

    While we sat there at lunch I still couldn't believe she was in front of me. I didn't want to take my eyes off of her. She really made my whole year sitting right in front of me. I really wanted to pinch myself and make sure that I wasn't dreaming at all. We have so much in common which I knew some of them but just hearing it for myself really made me happy. 

    I am writing this to my daughter, I love you so much. I have never been so happy than I was today. I felt like a part of my heart that was missing was put back in place. I really do hope we are more apart of each other's life. I hope that all your dreams happen. I will be in the corner cheering you on and when you need me I will be there.    

The best BIRTHDAY EVER!!

    Last night was so awesome, even though I almost died. 😊 My momma and I decided that we were going to go to Gatlinburg and go to a Mexican restaurant that is up there. I found an awesome deal on tickets for Anakeesta, I have never been there and it is one of the newer attractions. We get into Gatlinburg and traffic was horrible. It was Jeep invasion weekend. I got cut off several times but then we had one person cut us off then out of NO WHERE there was a woman walking out in traffic with a pizza in her hand. Now mind you there is a crosswalk about 50 yards up and the person in front of me just bows up and stops to let this woman in the car which stops traffic on our side. This really made me angry cause there are stops and crosswalks that they could have done that. Then we go to park and get to Anakeesta. We get in the gondola instead of the ski lift chair. I was absolutely amazed how high we went up. We get up there and go to the store and did the tree walk as we were about in the middle of the tree walk I notice that there was lighting and it was raining a little ways out from Gatlinburg. We decided that we were just going to head back down before it started raining and go to the Mexican restaurant that was straight across from Anakeesta. I look at momma and stated should I go in and buy us a poncho before we leave cause it was lightening all around at this point but it wasn't raining. My momma looks at me and says no I think we will be okay. Yea, we weren't okay. On the way down we decided that we would ride the ski chair lift down that way we could get down faster than going back in a gondola. About half way down the mountain it decides to sprinkle then right before we got all the way down and in the area we got out it started pouring the rain. We were soaked. The reason I said I almost died is because all of the lighting that was all around us and we were hanging in this metal chair I was just waiting to be struck any moment. We laughed about it so much though. Then it starts sprinkling again so we start walking to No Way Jose's. We get there and the place is completely packed. I mean it was really bad. Momma goes and checks and it will be an hour wait. I told her I knew of another Mexican restaurant but it was all the way down in Pigeon Forge. We get to the car get down to Pigeon Forge it is still raining get down to the restaurant and I couldn't believe it. It was another No Way Jose's . We get seated immediately in an awesome waitresses area. She suggested this awesome taco plate called Ultimate Tacos we substituted the ground beef with Chicken. I had a House of Blue's Margarita and momma had a frozen strawberry margarita. We had a blast just sitting there talking and letting everything go. I am so blessed to have her here with me.  

Here are some of the pictures from that night...

                                            P.S. I think the wet dog look is not for me....hahaha

39....isn't it just another number?

     Well today is the day....today is my BIRTHDAY!! Whooo...a big 39 years old. I just don't know if I am ready to turn 40 yet. I want to go back to 29 when I thought turning 30 was bad. I had a blast for my 30 birthday. We had a couple's retreat. What is bad though is everyone that went with us are now divorced and some are already married to other people. We did have a blast with all of them. This year I kept it a little low key and I am kind of glad I didn't. My husband made me the best meal EVER that consisted of Hawaiian chicken, grilled pineapple, baked potato, rolls and then dessert was a cookie cake with 29! for the candles. I loved it. We just relaxed and I enjoyed that. 

    I had made plans with several of my girlfriends and my momma to go for a girl's night. I was so so excited. I had not done that in a very long time but I cancelled it. I think since this is the first year my momma and I have been together for my birthday we will plan something else. I really want to hang out but I think it will be best just to chill out and do something else. 

    In my 39 years, I have been through so much and I look at it and I have came out of it. I might not be the same person I was 10, 15, 20 years ago but I am so glad I did go through what I have because I look at life a little differently than everyone else. I am still going through a lot in my life. I just pray the things that I am going through that things will turn out good and the way God wants them to be. I truly believe everything will work out. 

Well Happy Birthday to me.... 

Birth...

     I am so very nervous but at the same time I am so so excited. I know that I am going to meet the daughter that I gave birth too. I know I have spoke to her over Facebook. I know things about her but at the same time I am nervous that she is going to hate me. I am afraid that I am not going to be enough. I am not going to have that bond that we should have. It is so weird on the feelings that I do have. I am so scared. I want to cancel and just run the other way but at the same time I am like I can face this. My husband has taken off that day to be with me and give me that support. I can NEVER thank him enough on that. 

    I have so many questions for her. I want to ask them but I really don't know how to ask them. She is bringing her fiancee' which I totally am excited about. She deserves all the happiness in the world and I see that in her pictures. I really hope Sunday goes great and I have nothing to worry about. 

Somethings make you want to go hummm....

     This week has been really hard. I am having such a hard time with a lot of things that I didn't think that would bother me but they do. I am trying to keep my emotions in check that way I don't cry cause at this point I am afraid to let the tears fall I wouldn't stop. Yesterday, I looked at a picture of my grandbaby and I miss him so much. Why does life and relationships got to be so fucking hard? Why can't we all just get along? I just need my family around me I guess. I don't know what I need at this point. To be honest I have so much going on in my mind I think that is the reason I am having such a hard time sleeping. I don't know. 

    I read something this morning that has got me thinking not in a bad way toward God or anything like that but I do have some problems with church. I will go and get involved in church and enjoy going until something in my triggers a moment in my life and I don't want to go back. I don't want that pain anymore. When I was in the abusive home that I was in growing up my step-father (Steve is what I am calling him) he would do really good when we were in church not touch me sexually but he would abuse me physically at the slightest little things I did. Like not putting up a dish my mom told me to do or spilling coke on the couch (oh, I remember that one well he threw the cup at me and it shattered every where and I got cut from it still have the scar). It was really bad when we were in church. The moment he got out of church the sexual abuse would start back up. I think that is the reason I have such a problem with church. NOT GOD, but CHURCH. I am not mad at GOD but I am mad at the people in the church in some sort of way. 

    When I was in foster care, I was stuck with a family that was not in my believing not the way I grew up. They were Seventh Day Adventist and if you know anything about that religion they are vegan. They religion believes a lot of the Old Testament of the Bible and they you shouldn't eat meat at all. This was very hard for me because I was a meat lover. I grew up all my life eating meat. I felt like I was starved because I wouldn't eat a lot of the stuff that the foster mom would cook. It was NASTY. It even smelt bad when she cooked it. I am so confused about what God wants from me. I am confused a lot about how things are and what we should do as Christians. The religions is where I have my problems, the people in the churches is where I have my problem, and the pastors of the churches is where I have my problem. I want to know what they would do if they knew something was going on with a child of the church. Would they protect them or would they turn their heads?  

    The church that I really grew up in was a Apostolic church. I truly believe without a shadow of doubt the congregation knew what was going on with me. If they didn't know about the sexual abuse they had to know about the physical abuse cause I had bruises on my body. Sometimes I couldn't even sit cause it hurt so bad. The school system didn't even get involved until my aunt got involved.  I just don't know where all these people went wrong for me. Why didn't they fight for me? I don't know what I want to do but one thing I don't want to do is get forced to get up and go to church.

The BIG D word...

     Here lately I have not been feeling too good. I don't know if it really me coming down sick or if it is where the BIG D word is hitting me. Depression is the worst thing you can ever have and you fight one of the biggest demons ever. I have a lot going on I am fixing to turn the BIG 39 almost to 40. I am training in a new skill at my job and I don't know what in the world is going on half the time. I still have yet to see my son or grandson in MONTHS. It has really gotten to me. I feel like a part of my heart is missing. I can't really talk to anyone about it cause I don't want them to know what is going on in this mind of mine. I have stress on me like no other and I feel like a sinking ship and no one is coming to save me. Why is it that I have to let things get me like this? Why can't i just have a hard heart and nothing bother me? The only good thing that I have to look forward to is that I get to finally meet my daughter that I adopted out. I just want to be happy. I just want to put a smile on my face and really mean that I am okay. I have been telling everyone that I have not been feeling good and that being the reason why I haven't really talked or really done anything. I feel like the only thing I want to do is SLEEP. I don't want to lay around all the time but that feel like that is all my body wants to do anymore. I wished I could wake up in the morning and feel refreshed but I don't I feel like a busted can of biscuits. You know what I mean? That moment your alarm goes off and you start moving and your body is like NO go back to sleep and you can't stretch or move like that. I am upstairs in my office cause I don't want no one see me cry. I just want to be alone with my thoughts. I want to be away from everyone and no one bother me. We have a house full of people and my husband just got off of work and I don't even want to be around him. I feel like I am such a burden on everyone. 

    Today at bedtime I am going to drop the sadness and drop the depression when I go to bed. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling better. I want to wake up and never have to feel the way I do right now. I want to feel better about myself, my life, my family, and so much more. I want to have a better outlook on the future and not feel so overwhelmed. 

A little bit of nothing....

    I haven't wrote in awhile but that was because I have been so busy. This weekend was so much fun. I started off Saturday morning spending it with my mom in Pigeon Forge but first we went to Gatlinburg and rode through the Roaring Fork Motor Trail. I was hoping we would be able to see a bear or some other animal but we didn't but the sights were beautiful. Mom loved it. I enjoyed just talking to her. We are planning a surprise right now so hearing her get excited about it makes me happy. I so can't wait to see how it pans out. I bought my husband some really cool things at this store and we ate seafood at a place that use to be my favorite but not no more. They took the best thing they had off the menu. Anyway, after we came home my brother brought the oldest niece and nephew over for some fun. They stayed the night with me and we had a blast. I ended up have my niece literally on top of me most of the night.  

    I love spending extra time with my nieces and nephews. I love when they tell me they love me or those special hugs they give that make everything disappear. It is something about your brother and sister kids that you just love them so much. It is a different love. Well, I am going to cut it short today.  

Happy but Nervous

    I spoke to the daughter I adopted out I am FINALLY going to meet her. I am finally going to get to hug her. I am finally going to speak to her in person. I am so so nervous. I am nervous that I will not be what she expects. I am nervous that she won't like me. I am nervous that she will think that I am a bad person. I have dreamed of the day I would meet her. I have thought about it since the moment that I signed the paperwork stating that I would allow her to be adopted. I really hate that I am not apart of her life more but now I have the chance. I have the chance at a relationship with her.  I hope that it is everything I dreamed of. I hope that everything will go good. 

    It will be right after my birthday so that is something I am really looking forward to. Usually, I don't care for my birthday. It just brings up a lot of bad memories for me. I try to just let it go by. I try to celebrate it with my brother cause his birthday is close to mine but since now he has his own family we don't get to do that much.

    You know that moment when you are so so happy about something but then you start thinking. That thinking starts making you doubt yourself. Your mind makes you think a lot of other things. That is where I am at now. I am so happy but I am doubting myself. I hope when I do meet her in person I can answer any questions that she has. I hope that she can forgive me for giving her away. I hate myself for doing that. I think what it would have been like if I would have kept her. I hated myself so much for so long because I should have found away to keep her. I feel like I just gave up. 

    Then I look and think I am glad she will never have to go through the pain and abuse that I have. She will never have to go through trying to understand why it happened to me. I know I would have tried to protect her but I knew that her adopted parents still protected her more than I could have. The adopted mom knew everything that happened to me. She knew about the rape, the abuse, the group homes, and the foster home I was in. She knew what I experienced. She promised me she would protect her. She promised that nothing like that would ever happen to her. I knew she wouldn't either. 

    I raised my boys the best I could. I tried to be a great mom. I tried everything I could to get them what they needed and even sometimes what they wanted. I was a single mom for several years before I met my husband now. We had our moments but we never were apart. We never went to bed hungry. When I was younger I did have a temper, I will admit that I had my moment where I got mad at them. They weren't the easiest to raise. They cause me so much pain and heartache at times and still do. They don't know how many times I cried myself to sleep. 

    Well I can't wait to meet her and I hope it is everything I dreamed of. 

    

Some Personal Stuff....

     When Robert was around 1 and half I found out I was pregnant again. I remember that moment when the doctor told me that I was pregnant. I was so scared to tell my anyone. I kept it a secret for the first couple of months of my pregnancy. I just wanted it to go away. I felt that if I ignored it long enough the baby would go away. The moment I finally told my mom I remember her being so disappointed in me. She kept saying, :What are you going to do now?" I knew deep down there was no way I could take care of a second child. I met my first husband a little while after I sat my family down and told them. I had just started dating my first husband. I remember my mom forcing me to tell him. At this moment I didn't even know if we were going to even stay together or anything. She was like you need to go ahead and tell him. He had already fell in love with Robert. He never turned away from him. I finally sat him down and told him. He didn't run but he even knew we both couldn't do it. I was so worried about what I was going to do. One day, about a month into dating my ex husband my mom and I got into a big argument. She kicked me out with Robert. I called my ex husband up and he called his parents and they allowed me to move in. I fell in love with his parents immediately. They were both very supportive and love Robert so much. I explained to his mom that there was no way I could take care of another child at this point in my life. I had so much going on. I didn't have my high school diploma (which was something that I wanted). I wanted to go to college and I wanted to have a career. She explained to me that her sister wanted a child but could never have one, and wanted to know if I had thought about adoption. At that part of my pregnancy I hadn't thought of it. The only thing I thought about was keeping the child and how I was going to do it. She told me to think about it and I did. I prayed, talked it over with friends, prayed more, and I felt that would be my best option.

    I had her on Dec 4, I did not know much about her. I didn't even know that it was a little girl till later on that evening. There was this one nurse said to me, "your going to regret not holding your baby." I was so scared to hold my baby. I knew that I would fall in love. I knew I would back out. I knew that I could not give her the life that she should have. I will be honest up until she was a little older I didn't regret it. I wished I could have been more in her life. I wished that I was just a friend in her life. 

    Now she is over the age of 18 and I have made contact with her. I am very nervous about our relationship cause  I don't want to do anything to upset her. I don't want her to think of me as a bad person. I have asked to meet her on my birthday this year. This scares me but I really hope it happens cause I just want to hug her. I just want her to know I am here. I will never push her to have a relationship with me but I will always be in the background cheering her on. She is getting married soon. This makes me so happy. She looks so in love with her fiancee' and so happy. He seems like a very good person. 

    Well, that is my personal stuff for the day. I just needed to get this off my mind for the night before I tried to go to sleep. I think I am going to sit here and listen to music. Good night all!! 

That moment....

    That moment in your life that you feel like you are in a stand still. That moment in your life that keeps replaying in your mind like you could have done something different or changed something. Those changes and those moments in life that you keep a hold of could be holding you back hurting you more than you realize. I know for me I have tried not to hold on those moments like that. I kept replaying conversations that I had with my son. I kept replaying those moments of hurt and madness. I would cry and just get as mad as I was that night. That pain would be brought up every time I thought of it. That moment I had to let go. That moment I had to quit replaying. That moment is gone. That moment is in the past. I can't go back and fix it. We don't have a time machine to go back and change the past (If there is one out there please let me know about it).

    Those moments could hinder you from getting a better job. Those moments can make you depressed. Those moments can hold you back for having a relationship. That can keep you from having the future that you deserve. I have done this so many times. Those moments just make things worse when you replay. 

    Now those good moments, those moments that you are laughing, smiling, and just having a great time. Please replay those. Replay those and keep those memories close to you cause those are the ones you will need. The reason you will need them is cause when you are down you can replay them. 

    Today those moments, those memories, those events are hitting me extra special hard today. Today last year was going to be a Gigi for a little boy named Luke. Six years ago I was spending time with my family and my mamaw was there. We had so much fun. I remember laughing and arguing with her like normal. I so wished she was here I need a hug and one of those long talks. Once I get off of work today I think I am going to spend some extra time fot myself. Remember you can have a bad day. Today will be mine!!

Yesterday was a blast.....

    One of my favorite places on this Earth is Medcalf Bottoms. I have so many memories there. We always had our family reunions.I remember going up early in the morning with my papaw and Sandy with his thermos full of coffee and get a spot usually the big pavilion. I would wait till it started getting hot and I would go swimming all day long. I had so much fun. Then once my papaw passed my mamaw would go to the family reunion and she loved it there. When she passed I took some of her ashes and placed them there in the river so she could have the peace that she couldn't get on this Earth. I miss my mamaw more than anything. I took our relationship for granted which as I gotten older and I lost her and my dad I look back and I made a lot of mistakes there. I wished there was something I could do now to make up for it. 

    Yesterday, I took Matt and my mom to Medcalf Bottoms for them to fall in love with the place that I love and they did. We stopped at the IGA and picked up chicken tenders and tater wedges and took a picnic up. We ate and just sat and talked before we went to find a spot to swim. We found the perfect spot to swim well technically some of us didn't swim. Michael did. He swam and met a new friend. He jumped off the rock that was there and swam so much. He was so happy. I jumped off the rock as well. Michael thought that I wasn't going to do it. I did. It was fun and to be honest it made me feel like a kid again...lol. Momma, me, Jamie, and Matt took chairs and sit out in the water and just relaxed. Mom stated she had not been that relaxed since she had been here in TN. I am so glad she enjoyed herself. Here are some pictures I took.

Momma and I just relaxing in the water. It was so pretty and nice yesterday.

Michael jumping off the rock.

We came home and went swimming again here at the house and then had pizza and a bonfire. Kim had brought some pictures down with her. These were pictures dad saved. These were pictures that were important to him. I decided last night it was time to go through them. I am so glad that I did too. I needed that. I needed to see them. To see him. To see my grandpa Johnny that I remember so much. I remember him loving me so much. He had one picture of me when I was around 9 or 10 months old and my Grandpa Johnny. That picture is so precious to me. 

Then as I was looking through one picture came up that I didn't even know he had a camera during my 16th birthday party but he did. I couldn't believe the pictures that he had taken. I was so shocked and I cried. Last year one of my best friends passed away. We had lost contact over the years like people do but I wished we hadn't cause we were the best of friends and she was there for different times in my life more than she ever knew. After my divorce if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have known what to do.